8th July, 2005.  The day we were officially married.  It seems like yesterday.  But Life was so different back then.  We were blissfully naïve of the challenges that lay ahead of us.  We were not yet affected by mental health challenges . We were in love and happy.  Fast forward 14 years to 8th July 2019  I am widow, with 3 furry boys and 1 furry girl.  Not actually the ‘happily ever after’ I had envisioned when we walked down the aisle so many years before.They say the first year of widowhood is the hardest.  I don’t know who ‘they’ are, but that’s what I hear.  I’m only halfway through my first year so I can’t comment on the validity of the statement.  I will say this.  Living a bajillion firsts without your husband is hard.  Year 1 is filled with these firsts.  They are lurking behind every corner and are in every little thing you do.  Many of them you can’t even predict.  I’m currently quite sad every time I have a shower, because I will always remember the time you ask me to help you when you found it difficult and i do miss the smell of your shower gel And another tangible thing you use will be gone.  9  months ago, I couldn’t have predicted that a gross, rapidly shrinking, used bottle of shower gel  would make me teary.  If I make it to year 2, I’ll get back to you on what year is the hardest.While we can’t predict all these punches in the face, there are many predictable milestones that loom large on every widow’s calendar.  Birthdays, holidays, wedding anniversaries, the anniversary of your death.    Living everyday without our much loved spouse makes us sad.  Our wedding anniversary isn' t  the first big milestone on my widow calendar after your passing , my darling. I have had Christmas, Chinese New Year, Your birthday & Valentines day to deal with but i could not even face them without you.    I hadn’t surfaced enough from my drowning waves of grief to realise that our 14th anniversary was just a months away.  I am supposed to have been with the family in Paris but something happened and here I am back home and I realise why. You want me here with you. I will be at Urwins praying with you later.  Bernard and Rose will be with me after my prayer at Aston .  They took the initiative and made it clear I wouldn’t be alone on our wedding anniversary, without me having to ask.  I’ll be forever grateful. And Bernard says to let you know you are dearly missed.  I would visit you at Urwins before prayer .  Yesterday at Christ The King, I had sobbed my face off, as I realised I will be spending our anniversary without you .I thought “I’m good.  I’m done with the sad part yesterday and  today,   I’m ready for fun with my friends.”  Another major rookie widow mistake.  NEVER EVER assume the way you feel one moment will hold into the next moment.  Things change fast when grieving.As I sit here writing this, my eyes starting filling with tears (widows get good at crying!)
Well, today is/would have been 14 years for us Honey. I miss you with every breath I take...especially on days like this. I know I would have received roses at the door and a special card with a love letter just from you. You would have left me little messages all over the house...and in the car...like you always did. But, I think you did leave me a message...and I thank you...and I love you...still...forever and for always.Today as I reflect, the thing that stands out the most is the love that was felt on our wedding day. I never had any doubts. I was never so sure about something in my whole life. 
I remember the look on your face after we were married. You were so happy...and so was I. Every year that passed I only loved you more. I never felt that way about anyone before. I couldn't wait to become your wife and I couldn't wait for each year to celebrate being your wife. As I look back today, there are tears that flow because we had so many dreams that were left unfulfilled, but I smile too because we did have 13 wonderful years together.
I guess through all this jumbled up mess of a tribute...what I am trying to say is that I Love You and I wish you a Happy Anniversary. I miss you and I loved being your wife...it was an honour...and I will see you again in Heaven. I know you will greet me with your arms wide open and we can celebrate then...until then my love...I will always love you..